im letting go
im giving up
im falling right into your love
this is all for today
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Give away your anger
God just spoke to me. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. all my life i have struggled with a temper. a temper with my wife, parents, life, and God. and what ive realized is that my whole life has been nothing but an addiction to anger. something i couldnt break free of. it tied me down binding my heart and it would never let me love, love everyone and everything around me. my anger is my issues in life. everyday i struggle to find peace and not give way to anger. sometimes i fail, sometimes i succeed. heres a story everyone should read. it truly is remarkable on how we should act towards anger and forgiveness. its helped me with my addiction. its very very long but so worth the read if you have the patience and time. God bless all!!!!
I looked at my watch impatiently. My lunch companion was late—again. I was on a tight schedule, and in my impatience I found myself pacing between the parking lot, baking in the Florida sun, and the cold air conditioning of the restaurant. Finally, I put on a sweater and settled down inside, ordered a cup of coffee, and watched for my friend. "I am so sorry I'm late," she said as she rushed to my table thirty minutes later. The moment I saw her, I forgave her. I couldn't wait to tell her about a class I had just taught.
We were studying texts on forgiveness, and I had developed an idea that seemed exciting. She listened to me, periodically objecting to a phrase or comment. But mostly she stared at me as if she disagreed in the most fundamental way.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"You know," she said slowly, "my mother was murdered."
"Yes," I said. Though I had known this for a while, I had never asked for the details, preferring to wait until she felt comfortable telling me.
"Well, it was my father who killed my mother."
My mind was as blank as my stare. Any thought I had on forgiveness had vanished.
"He's sitting in prison, sick with cancer," she said. "He wants to see me. I struggle between the thought of seeing him and never seeing him again. Do I forgive him before he dies? Is it possible to forgive him?"
I began to stutter some cliche. Then I stopped and looked at her eyes. They lacked the emotion and passion I was used to seeing from my friend.
"Can you continue to live with the anger?" I asked. "I'm sure he is less affected by your anger than you are. But what does the anger do to you?"
"When anger overpowers me," she answered, "I feel as if I have relinquished my powers and that I am no longer in control of my life."
"Relinquish your powers," I said, "and you will lose the stuff that makes your life magical. In order to return to a life of wonder, then perhaps you need to find the way to forgiveness."
That afternoon I learned more about forgiveness than during all my years of teaching and study. I began searching for new definitions, new terminology. Old formulations simply no longer applied.
My friend helped me understand that to forgive is not to condone or excuse. There are acts that are inexcusable. There are behaviors that are not to be condoned. But we shouldn't use this truth to keep us angry or fearful. Anger and revenge are destructive. We were born to be creative.
My friend and I continued our conversation over many months. She could not decide whether she should see her father again or not. Finally I said to her, "Forgiveness is not about fantasy. No one expects you to go back to a loving father-daughter relationship."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You need not reestablish a relationship. In fact, there are times that you forgive and get out of the way. When you forgive, there is a great internal transformation. You are changed. Your perspective is different. But your father may be just the same. He may have ignored the opportunity for change and be unaffected by your transformation. If that is the case, get out of his way."
To forgive is not an act of kindness toward the person who has wronged you. Forgiveness is an act of kindness toward yourself. It is not about what your offender deserves; it is about what you deserve. We all deserve a life without fear and anger. We have greater things than anger to feel. And to forgive is to rid yourself of anger, fear and obsession. Imagine the relief of not feeling those things. Just imagine how much energy you would have for creative endeavors if you were not obsessed. Imagine the thoughts you could entertain if you were not thinking, avoiding, plotting angry deeds. It is called for-give-ness because you give away your anger and resentment. To surrender your anger is not to capitulate, or to lose ground, or to give in. Surrender to a softer place, a place of peace, not strife. At the moment of surrender, you realize the beauty of your own path. That is was not only the obvious blessing that helped your life emerge, but also the struggle. When anger is replaced by forgiveness, you are free to let love guide your life.
As we strive to love others, we often forget to love ourselves. It is as if self-love is forbidden. But actually, it is commanded in the Bible. The command is not only to love our neighbor, but to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. As we deepen the love for ourselves, we deepen the capacity to love others. Love heals. It heals the wounded soul, it heals the relationships we cherish, it heals the world. Self-love strengthens our ability to be loving beings.
We have so many regrets. There are so many times that we could have—or should have—chosen a different path or gone in a different direction. Every time we use the word "should," we accuse ourselves of not doing our best. Every time we say "I could have," we second-guess ourselves, blaming ourselves for not choosing a different path. Guilt and regret are heavy on our souls. Imagine how much energy we would have if we did not let them weigh us down: energy to create, energy to love, energy to move on.
I was recently having coffee with someone who had been a friend for many years. Every time we get together we begin by recounting the story of our lives, as if we were telling some sacred narrative. At one point, we began to wonder how life should have been different "if we only...." We looked at each other and instantly recognized that we had it all wrong. We were wrong to regret any part of the story. The "good" decisions and the "bad" decisions were all the "right" decisions because they led us down a path that was filled with meaning. There were so many lessons learned from the mistakes, so much growth from the bad experiences the we honestly wouldn't change a moment. "Should have" and "could have" were futile phrases that did not recognize that all is for a reason and that we did the best we could at the time. "It's not enough to forgive others," I said. "We must forgive ourselves."
For the next several hours, we retold the sacred narrative, this time recounting the lessons in the turns in the road. "That is what repentance means in Hebrew," I said. "The word for repentance is teshuvah and it means to turn towards the right path, the path that leads to an understanding of God."
She smiled. "Then let's turn from accusation toward understanding. In the turning, we can head for the goodness of God. Let's take ‘should' and ‘could' out of our vocabulary."
At every stage in my life, I did what I knew how to do. If I would have known better, I would have done better. But every day I must remember to be kinder to myself and more forgiving of my imperfections, because, at every point along the way, I am blessed. Everything I have done and seen has made me who I am in this moment. It's OK to have been me. I try to forgive and then there is the night and the darkness of self doubt.
The drama of nighttime angel encounters are the stuff of ancient texts. Jacob sat on a riverbank at night, alone and afraid of the morning, when he will meet his brother, who had become his enemy and had an army of four hundred men with him. Suddenly a stranger appears—perhaps a man or perhaps an angel—and the two wrestle through the night. Jacob is wounded, and as the sun begins to rise, the angel blesses him with a new name. He is no longer to be called Jacob, but Israel, which means "one who wrestles with God."
We sometimes find ourselves in ambiguous moments, as if, like Jacob, we were between two points – where we've been and where we want to go. It is there, at that in-between point, that we struggle. We wrestle with voices, with emotions, with fear, with our need to forgive, with angels sent by God. But like Jacob, we must struggle, even if we become wounded. We must become like Jacob and stand our ground and embrace our essential self, as we wrestle with God.
Two sisters, both of them in their sixties, made an appointment to see me one day. Their father had just died, and they came to share their grief and sense of guilt. The father had been very controlling and interfered with every aspect of their lives. As they described their home and relationships with each family member, I began to see two different styles of coping. One sister coped by shutting herself off from the struggle. She had left her father's home when she was rather young and seemed to have shut herself off from her pain: "I have to get on with life. Dwelling on our relationship is not useful." Even as I heard her say these words, I saw that she was wrapped up in her anger.
The other sister appeared to be trying to understand her own pain. She had been in therapy for many years and was clearly still wrestling with the relationship she had had with her father as a child and as an adult. She had little confidence, and she'd suffered an ugly divorce and the criticism of her sister, who wished she would stop dwelling on negative experiences and get on with her life. The sister who ran away felt the other was too weak and self-indulgent; the sister who was struggling felt the other was not in touch with her emotions.
I saw them both stranded on the riverbank of conflict. One refused to engage the challenge God had placed before her. The other was locked in a hold she refused to release. Neither was ready to forgive their father—or each other.
Don't be afraid of the struggle. See the struggle as God giving you the chance to triumph over difficulty, to deepen, to grow, to forgive. Engage with the demons and with angels. Then release. Cross over the river and journey on. Give away your anger and there will be room in your soul to embrace love
I looked at my watch impatiently. My lunch companion was late—again. I was on a tight schedule, and in my impatience I found myself pacing between the parking lot, baking in the Florida sun, and the cold air conditioning of the restaurant. Finally, I put on a sweater and settled down inside, ordered a cup of coffee, and watched for my friend. "I am so sorry I'm late," she said as she rushed to my table thirty minutes later. The moment I saw her, I forgave her. I couldn't wait to tell her about a class I had just taught.
We were studying texts on forgiveness, and I had developed an idea that seemed exciting. She listened to me, periodically objecting to a phrase or comment. But mostly she stared at me as if she disagreed in the most fundamental way.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"You know," she said slowly, "my mother was murdered."
"Yes," I said. Though I had known this for a while, I had never asked for the details, preferring to wait until she felt comfortable telling me.
"Well, it was my father who killed my mother."
My mind was as blank as my stare. Any thought I had on forgiveness had vanished.
"He's sitting in prison, sick with cancer," she said. "He wants to see me. I struggle between the thought of seeing him and never seeing him again. Do I forgive him before he dies? Is it possible to forgive him?"
I began to stutter some cliche. Then I stopped and looked at her eyes. They lacked the emotion and passion I was used to seeing from my friend.
"Can you continue to live with the anger?" I asked. "I'm sure he is less affected by your anger than you are. But what does the anger do to you?"
"When anger overpowers me," she answered, "I feel as if I have relinquished my powers and that I am no longer in control of my life."
"Relinquish your powers," I said, "and you will lose the stuff that makes your life magical. In order to return to a life of wonder, then perhaps you need to find the way to forgiveness."
That afternoon I learned more about forgiveness than during all my years of teaching and study. I began searching for new definitions, new terminology. Old formulations simply no longer applied.
My friend helped me understand that to forgive is not to condone or excuse. There are acts that are inexcusable. There are behaviors that are not to be condoned. But we shouldn't use this truth to keep us angry or fearful. Anger and revenge are destructive. We were born to be creative.
My friend and I continued our conversation over many months. She could not decide whether she should see her father again or not. Finally I said to her, "Forgiveness is not about fantasy. No one expects you to go back to a loving father-daughter relationship."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You need not reestablish a relationship. In fact, there are times that you forgive and get out of the way. When you forgive, there is a great internal transformation. You are changed. Your perspective is different. But your father may be just the same. He may have ignored the opportunity for change and be unaffected by your transformation. If that is the case, get out of his way."
To forgive is not an act of kindness toward the person who has wronged you. Forgiveness is an act of kindness toward yourself. It is not about what your offender deserves; it is about what you deserve. We all deserve a life without fear and anger. We have greater things than anger to feel. And to forgive is to rid yourself of anger, fear and obsession. Imagine the relief of not feeling those things. Just imagine how much energy you would have for creative endeavors if you were not obsessed. Imagine the thoughts you could entertain if you were not thinking, avoiding, plotting angry deeds. It is called for-give-ness because you give away your anger and resentment. To surrender your anger is not to capitulate, or to lose ground, or to give in. Surrender to a softer place, a place of peace, not strife. At the moment of surrender, you realize the beauty of your own path. That is was not only the obvious blessing that helped your life emerge, but also the struggle. When anger is replaced by forgiveness, you are free to let love guide your life.
As we strive to love others, we often forget to love ourselves. It is as if self-love is forbidden. But actually, it is commanded in the Bible. The command is not only to love our neighbor, but to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. As we deepen the love for ourselves, we deepen the capacity to love others. Love heals. It heals the wounded soul, it heals the relationships we cherish, it heals the world. Self-love strengthens our ability to be loving beings.
We have so many regrets. There are so many times that we could have—or should have—chosen a different path or gone in a different direction. Every time we use the word "should," we accuse ourselves of not doing our best. Every time we say "I could have," we second-guess ourselves, blaming ourselves for not choosing a different path. Guilt and regret are heavy on our souls. Imagine how much energy we would have if we did not let them weigh us down: energy to create, energy to love, energy to move on.
I was recently having coffee with someone who had been a friend for many years. Every time we get together we begin by recounting the story of our lives, as if we were telling some sacred narrative. At one point, we began to wonder how life should have been different "if we only...." We looked at each other and instantly recognized that we had it all wrong. We were wrong to regret any part of the story. The "good" decisions and the "bad" decisions were all the "right" decisions because they led us down a path that was filled with meaning. There were so many lessons learned from the mistakes, so much growth from the bad experiences the we honestly wouldn't change a moment. "Should have" and "could have" were futile phrases that did not recognize that all is for a reason and that we did the best we could at the time. "It's not enough to forgive others," I said. "We must forgive ourselves."
For the next several hours, we retold the sacred narrative, this time recounting the lessons in the turns in the road. "That is what repentance means in Hebrew," I said. "The word for repentance is teshuvah and it means to turn towards the right path, the path that leads to an understanding of God."
She smiled. "Then let's turn from accusation toward understanding. In the turning, we can head for the goodness of God. Let's take ‘should' and ‘could' out of our vocabulary."
At every stage in my life, I did what I knew how to do. If I would have known better, I would have done better. But every day I must remember to be kinder to myself and more forgiving of my imperfections, because, at every point along the way, I am blessed. Everything I have done and seen has made me who I am in this moment. It's OK to have been me. I try to forgive and then there is the night and the darkness of self doubt.
The drama of nighttime angel encounters are the stuff of ancient texts. Jacob sat on a riverbank at night, alone and afraid of the morning, when he will meet his brother, who had become his enemy and had an army of four hundred men with him. Suddenly a stranger appears—perhaps a man or perhaps an angel—and the two wrestle through the night. Jacob is wounded, and as the sun begins to rise, the angel blesses him with a new name. He is no longer to be called Jacob, but Israel, which means "one who wrestles with God."
We sometimes find ourselves in ambiguous moments, as if, like Jacob, we were between two points – where we've been and where we want to go. It is there, at that in-between point, that we struggle. We wrestle with voices, with emotions, with fear, with our need to forgive, with angels sent by God. But like Jacob, we must struggle, even if we become wounded. We must become like Jacob and stand our ground and embrace our essential self, as we wrestle with God.
Two sisters, both of them in their sixties, made an appointment to see me one day. Their father had just died, and they came to share their grief and sense of guilt. The father had been very controlling and interfered with every aspect of their lives. As they described their home and relationships with each family member, I began to see two different styles of coping. One sister coped by shutting herself off from the struggle. She had left her father's home when she was rather young and seemed to have shut herself off from her pain: "I have to get on with life. Dwelling on our relationship is not useful." Even as I heard her say these words, I saw that she was wrapped up in her anger.
The other sister appeared to be trying to understand her own pain. She had been in therapy for many years and was clearly still wrestling with the relationship she had had with her father as a child and as an adult. She had little confidence, and she'd suffered an ugly divorce and the criticism of her sister, who wished she would stop dwelling on negative experiences and get on with her life. The sister who ran away felt the other was too weak and self-indulgent; the sister who was struggling felt the other was not in touch with her emotions.
I saw them both stranded on the riverbank of conflict. One refused to engage the challenge God had placed before her. The other was locked in a hold she refused to release. Neither was ready to forgive their father—or each other.
Don't be afraid of the struggle. See the struggle as God giving you the chance to triumph over difficulty, to deepen, to grow, to forgive. Engage with the demons and with angels. Then release. Cross over the river and journey on. Give away your anger and there will be room in your soul to embrace love
barely alive
been quite sometime since ive wrote on my blog. for all of you who are wondering i am currently going through a rough patch in my life. but dont worry with Gods help and guidance i always get through it. worshipping him and putting it in his hands is what he wants me to do. continue to pray for me as i make another journey on my way to becoming a man of God.
as i was reading my bible today nothing was hitting my hurt. i was so emotionally drained from whats going on that even the word of God wasnt jumping out at me.
i sat in my empty apartment asking God for a direction. not to help me but a push. a push in the right direction or path. he quickly gave me a push in the right direction. i picked up my ipod and looked at the screen. it was black. so i hate play. what appeared on the screen was something i hadnt listened to since i was in iraq. here is what played.
let this old life crumble
let it fade
let this new life offer
be your saving grace
let this old life crumble
let it fade, let it fade
there comes a time in everyones life where they are depressed, feeling low, down, and you feel like you cant go on. just remember somebody upstairs (heaven) is looking down on you. he has his hand on your head and is constantly trying to reach for you. but sometimes the weight of the world gets too much. just know God is reaching out to you for one reason and one reason only. so you can rest. life has its toles, troubles, demons and problems. but one thing ive done today is give everything i have to God. its in his hands. why? because i need some rest. some spiritual and faithful rest. God gave it to me in a blink of an eye. in a quick reference of the word "help" to Him was all it took. and he gave me peace and prosperity. i think its so weird how christians get so wrapped up in the word of God that they forget that sometimes you just need to conversate with him. sometimes one word is all it takes.
as i was reading my bible today nothing was hitting my hurt. i was so emotionally drained from whats going on that even the word of God wasnt jumping out at me.
i sat in my empty apartment asking God for a direction. not to help me but a push. a push in the right direction or path. he quickly gave me a push in the right direction. i picked up my ipod and looked at the screen. it was black. so i hate play. what appeared on the screen was something i hadnt listened to since i was in iraq. here is what played.
let this old life crumble
let it fade
let this new life offer
be your saving grace
let this old life crumble
let it fade, let it fade
there comes a time in everyones life where they are depressed, feeling low, down, and you feel like you cant go on. just remember somebody upstairs (heaven) is looking down on you. he has his hand on your head and is constantly trying to reach for you. but sometimes the weight of the world gets too much. just know God is reaching out to you for one reason and one reason only. so you can rest. life has its toles, troubles, demons and problems. but one thing ive done today is give everything i have to God. its in his hands. why? because i need some rest. some spiritual and faithful rest. God gave it to me in a blink of an eye. in a quick reference of the word "help" to Him was all it took. and he gave me peace and prosperity. i think its so weird how christians get so wrapped up in the word of God that they forget that sometimes you just need to conversate with him. sometimes one word is all it takes.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
random commercials
since im high today on percocet due to the pain i feel with my kidney stones ive decided to post-pone my blog and just give you guys a couple of my favorite commercials that are getting aired.
and my personal favorite... if this doesnt make you laugh you have no heart... and obviously have no sense of humor. this is awesome!!
and my personal favorite... if this doesnt make you laugh you have no heart... and obviously have no sense of humor. this is awesome!!
kidney stones
so i am in horrible pain. but thanks to purdue pharmer manafacturing company for giving me some oxycodone (also known as percocet, oxycontin) i am no longer in pain.
you see at about 1:00am on november 1st i awoke myself to a pain in my lower left back that wrapped around to the front. ive had this pain three other times. i knew exactly what it was. it was a kidney stone. God, help me is what i cried out. cause the pain was awful and i wanted nothing to do with it a fourth time.
on a funny note the triage nurse asked me on a scale of 1-10 please rate your pain. 10 being giving birth and 1 being a paper cut. what i politely told her was "a paper cut is technically like a two or three cause they sting hurt more than a 1. but if your wondering my pain is an 11, when do i get some pain meds?"
five minutes later they had me hooked up to an IV receiving sodium chloride and dilotten. i had never heard of it before but quickly i found out why. it was a narcotic pain killer that is top of the line. more top of the line the oxycontin. in about 2 seconds i went to screaming in pain to mellow, chill, and ready to be funny.
after receiving my pain meds i quickly became parched and decided to get up and walk around. although highly discouraged, i did it anyway. i went over to the nurses station stared a nurse directly in the eyes for 5 minutes until she said "can i help you?"
i said "water".
agitated and confused nurse replies "patient or visitor?"
getting really really parched me replies "me... patient". (as i show her my cool sky blue wrist band)
annoyed that i even asked for a glass of water or for that matter even looked at her nurse decides to ask me one final question... "ice?"
relieved that i was getting some water me "please, and thank you".
as she walked away i politely told her to have a good 3 in the morning. she did not find this amusing. instead she brings me my glass of water... with no ice. i was was a little doped up and completely heading in a wrong and mean direction when she handed me that glass of water.
but i digress and drank the water. had too... cotton mouth is much worse on pain pills. it honestly feels like a cat pooped in your mouth. (ignore that. definately percocet talking)
anyway i know this wasnt very spiritual but rather funny story to my life of already amusing stories.
you see at about 1:00am on november 1st i awoke myself to a pain in my lower left back that wrapped around to the front. ive had this pain three other times. i knew exactly what it was. it was a kidney stone. God, help me is what i cried out. cause the pain was awful and i wanted nothing to do with it a fourth time.
on a funny note the triage nurse asked me on a scale of 1-10 please rate your pain. 10 being giving birth and 1 being a paper cut. what i politely told her was "a paper cut is technically like a two or three cause they sting hurt more than a 1. but if your wondering my pain is an 11, when do i get some pain meds?"
five minutes later they had me hooked up to an IV receiving sodium chloride and dilotten. i had never heard of it before but quickly i found out why. it was a narcotic pain killer that is top of the line. more top of the line the oxycontin. in about 2 seconds i went to screaming in pain to mellow, chill, and ready to be funny.
after receiving my pain meds i quickly became parched and decided to get up and walk around. although highly discouraged, i did it anyway. i went over to the nurses station stared a nurse directly in the eyes for 5 minutes until she said "can i help you?"
i said "water".
agitated and confused nurse replies "patient or visitor?"
getting really really parched me replies "me... patient". (as i show her my cool sky blue wrist band)
annoyed that i even asked for a glass of water or for that matter even looked at her nurse decides to ask me one final question... "ice?"
relieved that i was getting some water me "please, and thank you".
as she walked away i politely told her to have a good 3 in the morning. she did not find this amusing. instead she brings me my glass of water... with no ice. i was was a little doped up and completely heading in a wrong and mean direction when she handed me that glass of water.
but i digress and drank the water. had too... cotton mouth is much worse on pain pills. it honestly feels like a cat pooped in your mouth. (ignore that. definately percocet talking)
anyway i know this wasnt very spiritual but rather funny story to my life of already amusing stories.
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